That Did Not Just Happen

Ok so it didn't just happen. It happened yesterday morning, but I haven't had a lot of time.

Phil usually makes pancakes for the kids and himself on Sunday mornings. I dislike pancakes with a passion. I prefer waffles, cause they aren't so mushy. So I usually eat my dry Special K.

Yesterday Phil decided that maybe waffles would be ok instead of pancakes, and he set out making them.

I'm kind of a busy body. I don't like him messing around in my kitchen. I don't like that he doesn't even try to keep things tidy. It's a mess. So I tend to hover. I clean up little things. I'm constantly putting away the potholders. I'm regularly throwing dirty utensils in the sink. I'm kind of a PITA.

He got a little snippy and told me to go sit down and leave him alone.

FINE. Douchecanoe.

So I'm trying really hard not to hover. REALLY HARD.

It takes him a year and a half to make a dozen waffles. I'm pretty sure my time is accurate.

I sit down to my waffle breakfast. I'm pretty happy that I didn't have to cook. I'm pretty happy that I got waffles instead of the floppy disks of mushy evilness that we usually have on Sunday mornings. Life is good.

I take my first bite. I'm not dead. That's good. YEAH.

I take my second bite and bite onto something that is kinda chewy. Hard... but chewy.

My first instinct was to get it out, naturally. I figured is was an egg shell or maybe a piece of plastic from the pancake mix... but chewy doesn't really apply to egg shell or bag.

So I pick it out of my mouth, and look at it.

All I could say was "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN." I kept repeating it like some freak of nature. He is giving me that look that he gives me when I make fun of his cooking.

I set it down on the table so he could see why I was having a spaz attack.

A fingernail clipping.

A FUCKIN FINGERNAIL clipping.

And it didn't belong to anyone in our house.

It was ORANGE. And young adult size.

I had a moment. I nearly vomited. I had visions of the whole finger lying in wait in the remainder of my waffle.

Thank you God. You have now ruined waffles for me too. You have a sick sense of humor.

What the HELL is wrong with that LOTION?

Poop. Jamie-1 Phil-0
Furnace Fan. Jamie-1 Phil-0
Light icecream: Jamie-1 Phil-0
Tanning lotion: Jamie-1 Phil-0

So Phil had this morning off of work. A rare treat (sarcasm). He decided that he wanted to go to Platteville to run a few errands.

He is driving. I'm in the passenger seat. He has issues with his hands. Almost arthritis type symptoms w/ cramps and other fun stuff. Anyway I notice that he keeps looking at his hands and he is poking and prodding and really not paying a whole lot of attention to DRIVING. I thought maybe he was having a cramp or something. So I said "What the hell is wrong with.... yer... Holy S***. What happened to your hand?"

(in my head) -It's ORANGE.-

Him: I don't f'in know! I started using that lotion you have on the shelf in the bathroom.

Me: What lotion?

Him: The only f'in lotion in this house that doesn't smell like a flowery mess.

Me: Ohh my god. Was it in the white and tan tube that says Equate? (wally world brand, yes I'm that cheap)

Him: YES. It smells like sh**, but I didn't want to smell like a flower. What the F is wrong with that stuff. I thought it had gone bad or something. It is turning my hands ORANGE. But it's the only sh** in this house!

Me (totally laughing my butt off now, but not gonna give it up yet): How long have you been using it?

Him: I don't know... a couple days... I keep getting more and more orange. What is wrong with that stuff. Throw it away!

Me: Ahhh, yeah... it takes about a week for the fake tan to be at it's peak, and, you're not supposed to put it on your hands.

Him: What? What the F***? Tan?

Me: Yup. A tan in a tube how cool is that? (Laughing so frickin hard right now)

Him: Why are you laughing? I don't see the humor.

Me: Can I take a picture of your hands for my blog? This would be a funny blog entry. I could be famous for this.

(he always pokes fun at me for yapping to you guys)

Him: No. F*** no. Jesus. do you really think it is that funny? Do you think any of your "friends" will think it's funny?

Me (still laughing): Yes. You're orange! Well... not all of you, I guess... just your hands... which I think makes it funnier.

Him: Not funny. Just buy some normal f'in lotion would ya. Jezz. Yer not getting a picture of my hands either. (grumble)

Me: Ok. I'll just tell them about it. They have good imaginations.
Then I say under my breath "I'll get it while you sleeeeep"

Him: NO.


He's just no fun at all. Not my fault he can't read.

This Ain't The Friggin' Hokey Pokey

So yesterday I was lazy. I couldn't come up with any thing that sounded good for lunch, and our little grocery store was closed for the holiday. So it was pizza for lunch... and I just didn't eat. Hurk.

I set the pizza down in front of the kids saying to each little kid "It is hot. Leave it alone for a little bit or you'll burn yourself" they know what HOT means, and sat nicely for a few minutes while it cooled down enough to eat. I cut their pizza up, because... well just because... I don't know why, I guess it is less messy.

The big kids eat their pizza whole. I figured at the age of 8 and nearly 11 they would be old enough to know that *pizza is served HOT* but I still gave the warning *this just came out of the oven- HOT*

I sat down to the table with them. As I'm sitting there, I see my nearly 11 year old daughter sticking the pizza in her mouth, half way biting down, pulling the whole thing back out, and then doing it again. At least 5 times... never taking an actual bite because it was burning her.

So after seeing her do it several times my tourette syndrom kicked in. ahemmmm... this is what came out....

"WHAT THE HELL MAN! This ain't the hokey pokey! Ya don't put the whole thing in, then take the whole thing out! Take a bite, or LEAVE IT BE. GAAAAA"

She just about pissed herself. That was her new saying of the day. "This ain't the hokey pokey MAN!". I guess it beats the hell out of her typical "What goes on?" which makes me cringe. She kept saying I was the funniest mom ever. I agree.