What the HELL is wrong with that LOTION?

Poop. Jamie-1 Phil-0
Furnace Fan. Jamie-1 Phil-0
Light icecream: Jamie-1 Phil-0
Tanning lotion: Jamie-1 Phil-0

So Phil had this morning off of work. A rare treat (sarcasm). He decided that he wanted to go to Platteville to run a few errands.

He is driving. I'm in the passenger seat. He has issues with his hands. Almost arthritis type symptoms w/ cramps and other fun stuff. Anyway I notice that he keeps looking at his hands and he is poking and prodding and really not paying a whole lot of attention to DRIVING. I thought maybe he was having a cramp or something. So I said "What the hell is wrong with.... yer... Holy S***. What happened to your hand?"

(in my head) -It's ORANGE.-

Him: I don't f'in know! I started using that lotion you have on the shelf in the bathroom.

Me: What lotion?

Him: The only f'in lotion in this house that doesn't smell like a flowery mess.

Me: Ohh my god. Was it in the white and tan tube that says Equate? (wally world brand, yes I'm that cheap)

Him: YES. It smells like sh**, but I didn't want to smell like a flower. What the F is wrong with that stuff. I thought it had gone bad or something. It is turning my hands ORANGE. But it's the only sh** in this house!

Me (totally laughing my butt off now, but not gonna give it up yet): How long have you been using it?

Him: I don't know... a couple days... I keep getting more and more orange. What is wrong with that stuff. Throw it away!

Me: Ahhh, yeah... it takes about a week for the fake tan to be at it's peak, and, you're not supposed to put it on your hands.

Him: What? What the F***? Tan?

Me: Yup. A tan in a tube how cool is that? (Laughing so frickin hard right now)

Him: Why are you laughing? I don't see the humor.

Me: Can I take a picture of your hands for my blog? This would be a funny blog entry. I could be famous for this.

(he always pokes fun at me for yapping to you guys)

Him: No. F*** no. Jesus. do you really think it is that funny? Do you think any of your "friends" will think it's funny?

Me (still laughing): Yes. You're orange! Well... not all of you, I guess... just your hands... which I think makes it funnier.

Him: Not funny. Just buy some normal f'in lotion would ya. Jezz. Yer not getting a picture of my hands either. (grumble)

Me: Ok. I'll just tell them about it. They have good imaginations.
Then I say under my breath "I'll get it while you sleeeeep"

Him: NO.


He's just no fun at all. Not my fault he can't read.